We Can’t Stop Laughing at These Awful 5-Star Hotel Reviews

Dedicated concierges, Michelin-star dining and privileged locations are not enough for these people.

Most of us dream of earning the lottery or one day scraping together enough pennies to stay a single night at a five-star hotel. But the people for whom this is normal often don’t appreciate how good they have it.

Case in point: These hilariously ridiculous reviews of some of the best hotels in the world.

This is what happens when Karens have the money to travel.

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Communism Has No Vibes

nazar_ab / Getty Images

Marina Bay Sands is famous around the world for its amazing infinity pool overlooking Singapore. But Eden H35 simply was not feeling it:

“It was soulless, cold-natured, boring and [had] absolutely no vibe. Everything we did as a family was hard, had to make reservations to empty restaurants, hours were bizarre and just seemed like a communist strict dull city.”

Some people would say Singapore is the most livable coastal city-(state) in the world, but maybe they just don’t know good vibes.

Book it: Marina Bay Sands

*Reviews may be slightly edited for conciseness and grammar.

Free Coffee > Smiles

Mandarin Oriental Jumeira, Dubai / Facebook

Dubai is a destination that mainly welcomes ultra-luxury travelers, so it’s no surprise that guest complaints about the Mandarin Oriental Jumeira are as petty as Yousuf_Sharaf‘s:

“Ordered coffee at the hotel lounge. The waiter did not smile. He just [had] a poker face. After 20 minutes of waiting to get the coffee, I complained to the manager. He apologized and offered complimentary coffee! Very disappointing service at a fine hotel.”

We’d take free coffee over a smile. Though 20 minutes does seem like a long time to wait.

Book it: Mandarin Oriental Jumeira

Hotels Should Control Nature

Infinity pool at the The Ritz-Carlton, Bali

The Ritz-Carlton, Bali / Facebook

Most people go to Bali for the nature, but fahad77777 wanted nothing to do with it:

“When I was coming back to my room at the Ritz Carlton Bali, I was shocked to see a huge snake crossing the hotel corridor in front of me […] I was very scared, and I almost had a heart attack since I have a strong phobia of snakes.”

Seeing a big snake would be terrifying for most people. But it’s absurd to blame the Ritz-Carlton Bali for the actions of a wild animal that doesn’t understand human-made boundaries.

Book it: The Ritz-Carlton, Bali

The Disneyland Hater

Hot spring pool at The Springs Resort and Spa

The Springs Resort and Spa – Arenal, Costa Rica / Facebook

Of the Springs Resort and Spa in La Fortuna, Costa Rica, Lovetotraveitaly says:

“Not the real Costa Rica. Why would you stay here? It’s like Disneyland […] I have no idea how this place got 5-stars, except for the fact that it may cater to people who love cruise ships, Vegas and all-inclusive hotels in Mexico. In other words, blue-collar Americans who are afraid of foreign countries and need to be extremely sheltered.”

For context, this is the hotel Beyoncé and Jay Z stayed at when they vacationed in Costa Rica. If only they’d known it would be the same as going to Disneyland.

Book it: Springs Resort and Spa

The Diet Coke Fiasco

Conrad Maldives Rangali Island / Facebook

Conrad Maldives Rangali Island is the best underwater hotel in the entire world. But AKUK seems to lose the forest for the trees:

“We had many issues —not being told about Happy Hour, nor that kids ate free at restaurants, poor room service (one even argued back that ordering a diet coke didn’t mean it should come in a glass with ice and lemon!) and general apathy from the staff.”

We kind of get the first two complaints, though it seems like the family should’ve researched amenities better. But ordering a diet coke definitely does not equal ice and lemon. We’ll side with the hotel staff on this one.

Book it: Conrad Maldives Rangali Island

For the Love of Caesar!

The Gritti Palace, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Venice / Facebook

Set on a former palace right on the banks of Venice’s romantic Grand Canal, the Gritti Palace is the epitome of luxury. But Ana E simply cannot get over how they make their salad.

“When you go to have lunch at a luxury hotel and you ask for a Caesar salad, you are trying to get something simple but really well done. In fact, [this] is a simple dish that is supposed to be more or less the same around the world, and if someone tries to innovate it, you expect the best. Boiled small pieces of chicken (leftovers?) instead of ‘grilled chicken breast’ promoted on the menu, tomato (?), no dressing at all and pieces of cheese (?) instead of Parmesan. Really disappointed.”

Lesson learned: Don’t try to innovate the Caesar unless you’re the absolute best!

Book it: Gritti Palace, a Luxury Collection Hotel

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Don Riddle / Courtesy of Four Seasons

Disney World’s Four Seasons is not only the most expensive five-star resort in the U.S., but it’s also the best Disney World hotel in the minds of Far & Wide staff. Because of this, we find it hard to believe PacmanSanDiego‘s review:

“It was my daughter’s 10th birthday, and we had a chance to stay an extra night to visit Disney. She was so excited! We tried to talk to the front desk manager, Hayden, to extend our stay for one night. We even offered to pay over $1,500 for just one night. Even though he had availability, he refused for simply no reason. My daughter was devastated.”

So a manager decided not to give you available rooms just because they didn’t feel like it? Yeah, we’ll call huge BS on this one.

Book it: Four Seasons Resort Orlando at Walt Disney World Resort

Tell Me You’re a Narcissist Without Telling Me You’re a Narcissist

St. Regis Bora Bora Resort / Facebook

Updates and upkeep at world-renowned hotels like the St. Regis Bora Bora are necessary, but onecountryatatime99 could not understand why construction was happening when they, the absolute center of the universe, graced the property with their presence.

“The new oasis pool was being built, and construction was annoying. Passed by it multiple times a day. I didn’t escape NYC construction to hear construction here!!! Ugh.”

Ugh indeed.

Book it: St. Regis Bora Bora Resort

Someone Doesn’t Understand How the Energy Grid Works

Los Cabos Waldorf Astoria restaurant at night

Waldorf Astoria Los Cabos Pedregal / Facebook

In case you didn’t know, most hotels (including Waldorf Astoria Los Cabos) don’t generate their own electricity. They’re usually connected to the local power grid. Yes, we know it’s obvious, but L R certainly didn’t seem to think so.

“First off, the place is spectacular!! Views, the pools, the plunge pool in your room. Amazing.
Here’s the crazy thing. We have been here for two nights now, and on the first day, the power went out three times. […] We’re paying over $1,300 USD per night with no lights or AC. BEWARE!! It seems to be a thing here in Cabo.”

Who’s going to tell them that Los Cabos has more to worry about during a city-wide blackout than wealthy tourists who like to whine?

Book it: Waldorf Astoria Los Cabos Pedregal

Sustainability Is for Poor People

St. Lucia's Twin Pitons from Jade Mountain Resort

ThomasFluegge / Getty Images

Saint Lucia’s Jade Mountain Resort is arguably the most breathtaking and coveted hotel in the Caribbean. But mclarenfan83 does not appreciate their attempt at reducing plastic waste.

“Toiletries are no longer Molton Brown (with the exception of the mouthwash and the bath salts), but some anonymous brand, and hear this … they recycle the bottles and fill them up for you after the last guest stay. This is plainly disgusting and also entirely 3-star hotel behavior.”

Only poor people should have to worry about the environment. Ew.

Book it: Jade Mountain Resort