Ah, national parks.
These majestic treasures have been beloved by millions since Yellowstone, our first national park, was established in 1872. Since then, 63 other glorious parks have been preserved and opened to the public, welcoming visitors to enjoy towering peaks, jagged red-rock formations, active volcanoes and so much more.
Unfortunately, according to some Yelp reviewers, national parks are also the actual worst.
We’ve combed through Yelp’s online pages to find the funniest vicious reviews of national parks, including complaints about too much wildlife, stinky visitors and a lack of 7/11s. Make sure you’re not eating while you read these, lest you spit out your food at the screen.
Yosemite National Park
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“BTW the park shuts off some of the waterfalls after mid-summer. This is probably due to dwindling Park Service budgets that are spent on toilet paper. Please protest this fiscal mismanagement by STAYING AWAY from Yosemite!
Also, there are bears in Yosemite. They practice breaking into cars. Do you want a bear to break into your car? STAY AWAY!”
Believe it or not, the National Park Service is not a souped-up waterscape. Many waterfalls (especially in the West) rely on snow melt to sustain them, and when the snow runs out, so do the waterfalls. That’s why springtime is often the best time to visit the park if you’re itching for some great waterfall shots.
That said, at least it sounds like there’s plenty of toilet paper no matter when you go! (Also, we kind of think seeing a bear crack a car lock would be really cool?)
Sequoia National Park
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“This place is dangerous. There are bears, mountain lions, and worst of all, sketchy people. Hide your wives, hide your kids, hide your husbands, because they will come through your window. There are bugs and stuff, and they will bite you on your face.
Don’t waste your time here. Go to Vegas, for sure Vegas is practical, and has 7/11s.”
Perhaps the man complaining about the lack of bears and mountain lions in Big Bend National Park should visit Sequoia National Park instead? First though, we’ll have to warn him about the sketchy people. And the face-destroying bugs. And the lack of convenient Slurpees.
Glacier National Park
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“At the time of our visit, half the road was close due to snow! Well, there was no snow on the mountains and it being late June, it could not possibly have snowed there! Was there a UFO landing? Pretty fishy.”
By far, the must-do activity in Glacier National Park is to drive the Going-to-the-Sun Road. This pass winds up among mountains and offers jaw-dropping views of the glaciers from a high vantage point.
Oh, and the road closure? Per the park’s website, “The opening of the alpine portion varies, based on snowfall and plowing progress. Typically the road has been fully open in late June or early July.”
Hmmm. Sounds like what a government agency trying to cover up alien activity would say…
Crater Lake National Park
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“There’s an amazingly deep and creepy lake.
There’s a crappy lodge where they have mac and cheese.
In the summertime, there are pestilent yogurt-guzzling hordes.”
Believe it or not, you can indeed find a deep lake at Crater Lake National Park. As to whether it’s creepy? Well, that’s your call.
The “crappy lodge,” meanwhile, is actually a grand, century-old establishment. And yes, you might even be able to get mac and cheese and yogurt there. Guzzle away, you pestilent hordes.
Canyonlands National Park
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“If you have a dog, forget about having a good time. Dogs not even allowed at lookouts with concrete sidewalks. Can’t even have them in cars on wannabe 4×4 roads. Stupid government rules because a few ruin it for others. Punish all.
As far as a park, very nice. How about no kids because they are noisy cry and pee a lot. Views not bad, but it’s no Grand Canyon where dogs are allowed to get out of the car. We had our kids and now a dog. Forget these Utah national parks.”
We get it. You’re more of a dog person than a kid person.
But, typically, no-dog rules are in place to protect your dog, you know, possibly from the black bears and coyotes that run free.