Meet the Dumbest Criminals to Ever Get Caught
Crime doesn’t pay, especially when you’re terrible at it. The world of law enforcement has seen its fair share of master criminals. But for every brilliant heist or clever con, there are dozens of bungling burglars and foolish felons who make detectives’ jobs absurdly easy. These 10 cases gave a new meaning to the expression “thick as thieves,” with botched crimes that make you wonder what they were even thinking.
The Permanent Marker Duo
Credit: CNN
Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller grabbed permanent markers instead of the regular ski mask or stockings. The two men scribbled black ink all over their faces before attempting to rob an apartment in Carroll, Iowa. They probably looked more like confused mime students than criminals when police pulled them over. Carroll Police Chief Jeff Cayler later joked that this case was one of the funniest yet weirdest cases he’d seen in decades of service.
Albert Bailey’s Takeout Robbery
Credit: Fairfield Police Department
Calling ahead to place your order is normal at a restaurant. Calling ahead to demand your loot is unusual except in Albert Bailey’s mind. The 27-year-old phoned “People’s United Bank” in Fairfield, Connecticut, with specific instructions. Some minutes later, he sent his 16-year-old accomplice into the bank while waiting in a parking lot. The teenager walked out carrying the cash before Police officers swarmed in and arrested both suspects.
Ruben Zarate’s Customer Service Approach
Credit: Yelp
One morning, 18-year-old Ruben Zarate walked into “Velasquez Mufflers For Less” demanding cash. Unfortunately, most of the money sat locked in a safe that only the manager could open, and he wouldn’t arrive for several hours. Ruben could have walked away, but he left his cell phone number and told the staff to call him when the manager arrived. Ruben’s phone rang, and he returned only to meet police officers.
Dennis Hawkins and the Blonde Wig
Credit: CBS News
A bearded man in a blonde woman’s wig, fake breasts, and bright clown pants walked into a Pittsburgh bank. Dennis Hawkins apparently believed this constituted a disguise and didn’t consider it important to blend in afterwards. After the botched bank robbery, Dennis was found sitting in a car covered in red dye from an exploding packet in a bag of money he’d stolen.
The Manual Transmission Problem
Credit: Omaha Police Department
A 17-year-old in Omaha, Nebraska, robbed a woman outside a school and stole her car. The escape ended immediately when he realized the vehicle had a manual transmission. He stalled repeatedly, rolled forward a few feet, panicked, and ran. Authorities caught him on foot shortly after. If there’s ever a next time, he might want to check the transmission type before threatening someone at gunpoint.
Klaus Schmidt’s Hearing Mishap
Credit: factrepublic
Handgun drawn, shouting demands, everything was proceeding normally for a bank robbery in Berlin. Then a teller asked Klaus Schmidt if he needed a bag. His response? “You’re damn right it’s a real gun!” Every person in the bank now understood that he was deaf. The tellers sounded the alarm, but the armed man remained oblivious to the noise as police surrounded the bank and moved in for arrest.
Mark Smith’s Naptime
Credit: thenorthernecho
Breaking into houses takes effort, especially when you’re drunk on vodka. In 2007, Mark Smith broke into a residence and decided he needed a rest. Rather than grabbing valuables and leaving, he made his way to the homeowner’s bedroom and took a nap. The homeowner returned to find a stranger sleeping soundly and called the police, who arrested him. It turned out to be an unusual case of self-sabotage!
Darren Kimpton’s Double Failure
Credit: northamptonchron
Two burglaries in one evening seemed ambitious for Darren Kimpton. On his first attempt, he cut himself on a door lock. His blood at the scene meant he left behind a perfect trail for forensics to follow. Rather than calling it a night, he spotted another house and decided to try again. Unknown to him, Police officers were inside because of an earlier burglary at that property that day, leading to Darren’s arrest.
James Blankenship’s Theory
Credit: cleveland19
A man attempting to burglarize his own mother’s home made neighbors call the police after spotting suspicious activity. Officers arrived and found James Blankenship hiding in the crawl space. They were dumbfounded when James seemed confused about why they were arresting him. He believed burglary was strictly a nighttime crime and no one should be charged with robbery during daylight hours. The officers quickly corrected his interesting legal theory.
Robbed A Gun Store With A Baseball Bat
Credit: Washington County Sheriff’s Department
Derrick Mosley decided a baseball bat was sufficient protection when robbing a gun store. The manager responded by aiming a firearm at him and ordering him to lie down. Of course, he complied instantly. Police arrived to find the suspect frozen on the floor. Common sense would say any thief coming to rob a gun store would be armed with an actual gun at least.